When I was in high school, I liked English. My teacher however made it very clear to me, on more than one occasion, that English did not like me. She held my paper up, covered in red marks, in front of both classes, and announced that I made the most mistakes in both her classes. It was a defining moment. From that point on, I became pretty insecure about my ability to write throughout high school.
Imagine my surprise then, when I tested out of the basic English composition class to move onto the next level when I arrived at college! It gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, I could actually write. Combine that spark with years of journaling, and I decided to ignore my high school teachers decision of my ability.
I did this when I started blogging for the community coffee shop I opened in Northern Ireland called The Press. I would share about the experiences in the coffee shop and announce our upcoming events. I LOVED IT! Writing had always been an outlet and at that point I started to find my own voice.
Fast forward a few years. Bryan and I decided to give IVF one last shot, no pun intended! I figured the easiest way to keep people informed of our progress was through my personal blog. I had only one or two entries at that point. I guess I also need to rewind and insert this little fact. Through the years that we struggled with infertility I also journaled. I used my writing as a way of processing my pain, as a way of praying, as a way of dealing with the grief I carried, but didn’t always want the world to know. I also didn’t want to consistently be “Debbie Downer” by always talking about the sadness I felt. This could be partly my personality or partly the lies we believe that people can’t handle our pain and suffering, I’m not really sure.
Anyway, back to what I was saying. Years before the blog started, Bryan and I had made a special trip to London to see Phantom of the Opera with the London cast. It was one of my bucket list items. It happened around my 30th birthday along with our first failed round of IVF. As we sat having dinner in a little Italian restaurant across from the theater, we decided that someday, when our family had finally arrived, by whatever means it came, that we would share our story in a book.
That moment has arrived. The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants is our story from my personal perspective. I allow you to crack open pages of my own journals, private pictures, sketches and my honest response to the struggle of infertility. I really hold nothing back. I am not trying to shock people, but I am trying to wake people up. This issue is painful. Painful for those struggling and painful for those who are watching someone struggle. 1 out of every 8 couples will deal with infertility now, 1 out of 8!!! Next time you are around that many couples, just look around because I would bet my own money that someone you know really well is struggling. It’s that real friends.
This book took me almost two years to complete. Life happened in a not so kind way almost immediately after I had the full manuscript completed. My father was diagnosed with cancer. At times the book felt like a burden I couldn’t shake while dealing with the grief of watching my father deteriorate. Other times it felt like an escape and a lifeline. What definitely helped was writing. Writing has become a way of life for me. Thanks to authors like Shauna Niequist, Jen Hatmaker, Elizabeth Gilbert, and Brene′ Brown, I began to believe in the power of my own voice. I also had my husband and amazing family and friends cheering me on too!
So the other night, March 12th at 7 p.m. I had my very first book launch! I was overwhelmed to see so many lovely faces come. Some I hadn’t seen in years, and some I have only recently become friends with. It was a beautiful collection of people and I am so grateful for each person taking the time to come and support me in such a tangible way.
Now I have the privilege of promoting this much needed book. I get to share my story again and again with people. Validating each time that what I went through, what we went through, and maybe what you are going through will not be wasted if we let it help and guide others. Our pain truly can bring comfort to someone else’s suffering, if we will let it. It means standing with our hands open instead of with clenched fists.
“I would describe infertility as a process of purification. You go through the fire, but at the end you come out your truest self.” p. 51 The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants
What have you experienced by way of pain in your life? Are you willing to open that area up to even just one person? If so, I think you will find there is healing there. There is purpose in your pain there. There is also forward momentum that helps you leave the past in the past and move towards your future with hope and joy. Please share your story, the world needs it!
I have a secret to tell you…come close, I’m gonna whisper it.
I am writing my first book.
‘I’ means me, little old Breanna Jo Chud from Nampa, Idaho. ‘am writing’ translates to currently doing which is true, it’s actually nearly done. ‘my first book’ implies that there is more to come which I hope is equally true.
After our first failed round of ICSI fertility treatment Bryan surprised me with an overnight trip to London to see Phantom of the Opera with the London cast for my 30th birthday. This fulfilled a dream I had since university and was a great distraction from the pain of our pursuit to start our family. On that little trip we went to a small, authentic Italian restaurant close to the theatre. We ate thin crust pizza, dared each other to eat green olives which we both hate and continued to dream of our future together. There were a few tears shed but at one point we both agreed that our story needed to be written in a book someday. Well family, friends and those I hope to someday meet, in some ways that day has arrived, just not fully. Let me explain.
I have been working since February quite consistently on my first book and it’s called…The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants. I have spent hours reliving this emotional and many times painful journey. I have experienced the same emotions over failed pregnancy tests that I had years ago, etc. (It’s crazy to realise just how much your body stores your memories and emotions!) Needless to say the process has been intense and exhausting, yet very therapeutic and healing. Plus, it wouldn’t be happening at such an intense rate if it wasn’t for my amazing husband, this unique season we find ourselves in and the constant help of my friend Hilary!
This first book is about our struggle over 9 years with infertility that eventually led to having a family. The book is a handbook/guidebook of sorts for those experiencing infertility on a personal level as well as for those who know someone going through infertility. In the book I share my personal experiences of treatment, the emotional roller coaster of infertility/fertility treatment and also give what I consider to be some helpful and practical advice on surviving along the way. I also have stories of other people who have struggled as well as the impact infertility has on your relationships. In many ways it’s a journal of sorts that I am giving people permission to go through and read. It feels a lot like the dream where you are walking down the hall with no clothes on and everyone is staring at you naked, yep, that one, the really unnerving one.
This book is aimed at a wide audience of people because I know infertility touches so many lives whether it be your life, your wife, daughter or friend, we all know someone who has been affected by infertility. My desire is to allow my own vulnerability and honesty to help someone else along the way. Am I terrified? Yes!!! But I think that’s part of what makes it worthwhile, it scares me! The reason this is hopefully only my first book is that I would like to write a second book chronicling the faith journey I went on in more detail. It will be a very different book with a different audience yet I feel both books are valid and important enough to distinguish between and write.
I am planning on publishing the book myself in the coming weeks while also sending it to publishing companies. Once I can get the final edit done and figure out all of the publishing lingo I will be flying! So watch this space!!! I will be putting any book updates here on my blog, on facebook, Instagram and Twitter.
(For those interested, I am sharing a bit about the book and my journey at Causeway Coast Vineyard Women’s Breakfast Club on the 24th June, 2016. If you would like to come reserve your space by clicking the link!)
We are past the two month mark and we are settling into being a little family. The boys are growing so fast and getting stronger everyday. We love watching them hold their heads up now to look around as they are taking in more and more of their surroundings. I am a little sad that they are getting so big but also enjoying this new stage. They have started to smile and that makes you feel amazing! Seeing their faces light up when you talk to them is probably one of the best feelings I have ever felt. Sleep deprivation has been lessened thanks to my incredible husband and his amazing Mom. Everyone is so concerned for my well-being making sure I am eating properly and getting enough sleep that sometimes I feel like I am more rested than everyone else! I will enjoy it while it lasts thank you very much!
People keep asking what has been the best thing about having Kidran and Cohen here and that is so hard to answer because it’s not just one thing. Each of them has their own personality, likes and dislikes. They have their individual cries and preferred holding positions. They feed differently, sleep differently and are so unique in every way and that is a beautiful thing. The best thing is that they are real, here and are ours, no one else’s.
People also keep asking what’s been the biggest adjustment? In all honesty it hasn’t been that different than what we imagined. It is hard, really hard at times but so incredible that it just seems worth it. Period. I would say I do miss time with Bryan but that will come back too and we are already planning date nights to make the most out of having a constant babysitter right now with great credentials!
More than anything we are finding our way, getting to know our wee men and soaking up every second of this stage. These times are precious, times that become fixed in your memory and that you will replay constantly as they grow up, and eventually leave home (no, I am not ready to think about that in any way!!) These feel like the moments that we will share with them as they get bigger. Cohen, we remember when you used to sit straight up as we tried to burp you and look around taking in everything. Kidran, we remember when you used to grunt and groan all the way through a feed with your raspy voice. I could continue listing these little memories but I would bore you all.
Abba, I don’t spend a lot of time talking to You these days. I do spend a lot of time thanking You under my breath. Thank you for Kidran and every detail of his perfect face. Thank you for Cohen’s pensive eyes and sweet smiles. Thank you for entrusting us with these two treasured gifts. We pray you help us be the best parents for them, seeking You in every stage of their lives so that we can direct them to You. We pray you protect them, speak to them from an early age and that you give them courage to be the men of God you have designed them to be. Thank you again Father, Amen.
Looking back at the blog I see that it has now been nearly two months since I last posted anything!!! Where does the time go? It seems like so much has happened since my last post and I will do my best to condense it. The two new pictures are of me with some of my fellow prego mommies!! Our church seems to be having a baby boom as there are a few ladies not even in this pic from our church who are pregnant. There is also another girl pregnant with twins so we have had fun comparing notes. I think it is a sign that God truly is up to something magnificent and big for the upcoming years as these little boys and girls grow up in His presence!
Shortly after the last entry Bryan and I went and stayed two nights in Belfast at the Europa Hotel to celebrate our 12 year wedding anniversary. It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that it has been 12 years since we said ‘I do’ but a lot has happened to fill those years. We had a wonderful, relaxing time in Belfast. The highlight would have to be our anniversary journals. One of our wedding gifts when we got married were two journals, one for each of us. The couple who gave them to us encouraged us to write about each year of our marriage and then share that with each other as part of our anniversary traditions. We have done this each year and found it to be tedious yet rewarding and this year was no different. Although there was a difference. In our entries over the years we have written about our trials and the ups and downs of our journey to start a family. Sharing those entries has been bittersweet at times as we were never blind to the fact that we still had not been able to start a family yet we always were overwhelmed by God’s faithfulness, presence and extreme blessings in our lives. This year we sat in the piano bar at the Europa Hotel, with the World Cup muted in the background and read to each other our view of this last year. As we did, we both sat with tears streaming down our faces at the miraculous events that had taken place in our lives namely us finally getting pregnant. It felt so monumental for our journey and seems to us like a script that not even Hollywood could write. God does love a good story and He is the giver of good gifts and good surprises and we are proof of that. After all the years of waiting, of hoping, of crying, of anger, of pain…at the end was a beautiful picture of resurrection. (If you own Nathan Chud’s album Moratorium, now would be a good time to listen to resurrection.) Jesus had taken our dead and buried dreams and brought them back to life in fullness! Thank you Father for hearing every prayer and giving us this privilege of become parents and having a family!
After our time in Belfast we came back to Dungannon for church that Sunday morning. Bryan celebrated his first Father’s Day and it was awesome to experience!! That brings us into July where we had people come and stay with us nearly every weekend of the month. We enjoyed the time catching up with friends and family whom we have not seen for quite some time but I must admit I was a little tired by the end of it and have enjoyed time with just Bryan since everyone has gone.
Something else marked July for us unfortunately and that was the death of my beloved Grandpa Maier on the 10th July, 2014. My Grandpa was one of my favourite people and growing up I respected him so much and that only grew as I became an adult. He loved people, served people and would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. More importantly he was a man who gave his entire being to Jesus and was so passionately in love with Jesus that he couldn’t help but be a contagious spreader of the love of Christ. I always said to him that I wanted a double portion of what he had and my Mom kindly reminded me that I had been given that double portion, God had given us two boys! When he passed he was surrounded by my lovely Grandma Ardith, my Mom and her sisters and the entire Maier clan. They sang old hymns and songs to him, they told him their favourite memories and was there until he breathed his last. Moments like this make the distance between us and the rest of my family so very big and hard. I just wanted to be there with my Mom, my Grandma and the rest of my family who were grieving the loss of this incredible patriarch. I wanted to cry with them, tell stories with them, relive our best moments with Grandpa Maier (him tickle/pinching us as kids, making us wooden toys, him leading the Lion of Judah at convention, him preaching at Fellowship Tabernacle, the list goes on and on). I just wanted to be with my family. So being heavily pregnant was probably the only good excuse I could use to justify to myself not being there with all of them. Thankfully Brent, my eldest brother, organized to have the funeral streamed so I was able to witness the celebration of his life and his incredible legacy. I will miss and love you forever Grandpa, thank you for showing me what a life centered around Jesus looks like and the fulfillment that only He can bring to this life looks like. You will never be replaced but always remembered.
Now we are into August and I am 32 weeks today! This baffles me! The time has flown by and outside of the whole appendix episode, the pregnancy has gone really well. I have been enjoying feeling more movements from the boys as they are now estimated to weigh 4lbs 3oz and 4lbs 10oz! So when they move it is no longer a gentle nudge or tap but feels more like a wrestling match is going on inside of my stomach! We have made great strides in getting the nursery set up for the boys arrival thanks to the generosity of so many and even have the hospital bag and nappy bag packed in case I go into preterm labour. I am scheduled to have another scan on the 28th August and will then get a date for my C-section.
I have also finished up my job which was a wonderful job during this time but my body was ready to rest. Over here it is quite common for women to finish work a month before their due date to rest and prepare for the arrival of the baby/ies and I am so thankful to be living here because of this! I know it’s not that way for my American friends. At work they made me a sweet little peanut butter and buttercream iced cake that said Yummy Mummy on it and we all had a coffee break together, it was very sweet. Now it is time to get the rest of the nursery set up, try to make a few meals for the freezer and clean the house from top to bottom (which because of the lack of negotiating I can do with the bump will take me probably two weeks)!!! There is always the chance that the babies could come earlier than planned which is okay as their weights are getting up there and we have already had the steroid injections to mature their lungs. Yet it would be nice to have my Mom and Dad here before they come or at least as soon as they arrive. I know we can’t control this aspect of pregnancy so we are trusting that they will come when they are ready and healthy enough to be brought home.
To finish this long overdue and lengthy update I wanted to share a very sweet moment I had the other evening. Bryan was playing a chilled out song on the guitar that was beautiful and as he was playing I was folding the baby clothes that I have washed so far and picking out which pieces I would pack for the hospital. As I stood their in that moment, tears began to fill my eyes. The complete reality of what I was doing hit me. I was folding the clothes that our little boys will wear. Our boys. Not someone else’s miracles but ours, the two gifts that God has blessed us with. It was one of those surreal moments that felt like time stood still. My heart felt like it could explode in gratitude and joy! I paused and thanked God for every prayer He heard, for every tear He kept and for releasing His Kingdom power into our lives in this way at this time. It was precious and not a moment I will ever forget. Bryan came in a few minutes later and we both stood, hugging, in awe of what these little clothes represented in our story. Thank you Abba!
If you would like to pray for us here are a few prayer points that we would love you to partner with us in:
*Pray for continued healthy development of the boys and that they will come only when they are healthy, strong and ready to come home.
*Pray for us to find a new car that will be more suitable for our growing family needs:)
*Pray for job opportunities for Bryan to come up.
*Pray for the safe arrival of our family and friends who are so graciously coming to help support us through the first few months of becoming parents, hallelujah!!!
*Pray that the delivery, whatever way it happens, is smooth and uncomplicated.
Thank you for your continued support!!!