anaesthesia

I gave birth to a paper baby!

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When I was in high school, I liked English. My teacher however made it very clear to me, on more than one occasion, that English did not like me. She held my paper up, covered in red marks, in front of both classes, and announced that I made the most mistakes in both her classes. It was a defining moment. From that point on, I became pretty insecure about my ability to write throughout high school.

Imagine my surprise then, when I tested out of the basic English composition class to move onto the next level when I arrived at college! It gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, I could actually write. Combine that spark with years of journaling, and I decided to ignore my high school teachers decision of my ability.

I did this when I started blogging for the community coffee shop I opened in Northern Ireland called The Press. I would share about the experiences in the coffee shop and announce our upcoming events. I LOVED IT! Writing had always been an outlet and at that point I started to find my own voice.

Fast forward a few years. Bryan and I decided to give IVF one last shot, no pun intended! I figured the easiest way to keep people informed of our progress was through my personal blog. I had only one or two entries at that point. I guess I also need to rewind and insert this little fact. Through the years that we struggled with infertility I also journaled. I used my writing as a way of processing my pain, as a way of praying, as a way of dealing with the grief I carried, but didn’t always want the world to know. I also didn’t want to consistently be “Debbie Downer” by always talking about the sadness I felt. This could be partly my personality or partly the lies we believe that people can’t handle our pain and suffering, I’m not really sure.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. Years before the blog started, Bryan and I had made a special trip to London to see Phantom of the Opera with the London cast. It was one of my bucket list items. It happened around my 30th birthday along with our first failed round of IVF. As we sat having dinner in a little Italian restaurant across from the theater, we decided that someday, when our family had finally arrived, by whatever means it came, that we would share our story in a book.

That moment has arrived. The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants is our story from my personal perspective. I allow you to crack open pages of my own journals, private pictures, sketches and my honest response to the struggle of infertility. I really hold nothing back. I am not trying to shock people, but I am trying to wake people up. This issue is painful. Painful for those struggling and painful for those who are watching someone struggle. 1 out of every 8 couples will deal with infertility now, 1 out of 8!!! Next time you are around that many couples, just look around because I would bet my own money that someone you know really well is struggling. It’s that real friends.

This book took me almost two years to complete. Life happened in a not so kind way almost immediately after I had the full manuscript completed. My father was diagnosed with cancer. At times the book felt like a burden I couldn’t shake while dealing with the grief of watching my father deteriorate. Other times it felt like an escape and a lifeline. What definitely helped was writing. Writing has become a way of life for me. Thanks to authors like Shauna Niequist, Jen Hatmaker, Elizabeth Gilbert, and Brene′ Brown, I began to believe in the power of my own voice. I also had my husband and amazing family and friends cheering me on too!

So the other night, March 12th at 7 p.m. I had my very first book launch! I was overwhelmed to see so many lovely faces come. Some I hadn’t seen in years, and some I have only recently become friends with. It was a beautiful collection of people and I am so grateful for each person taking the time to come and support me in such a tangible way.

Now I have the privilege of promoting this much needed book. I get to share my story again and again with people. Validating each time that what I went through, what we went through, and maybe what you are going through will not be wasted if we let it help and guide others. Our pain truly can bring comfort to someone else’s suffering, if we will let it. It means standing with our hands open instead of with clenched fists.

“I would describe infertility as a process of purification. You go through the fire, but at the end you come out your truest self.” p. 51 The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

What have you experienced by way of pain in your life? Are you willing to open that area up to even just one person? If so, I think you will find there is healing there. There is purpose in your pain there. There is also forward momentum that helps you leave the past in the past and move towards your future with hope and joy. Please share your story, the world needs it!

You can find me on Instagram @breannachud and on Facebook @breannajochud. If you would like to purchase the book you can find it herefile11Bre Book - Front Cover V1 (1)file17file6file8file16file7file9file-2 (2)file5file10file12file15

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Transfer complete…the waiting begins

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Yesterday. How do I begin to describe the unfolding of yesterday? The best place to start is with the picture above. My best friend Kelly who came to be with us for the transfer captured this candid photo. This photo shows Bryan and I in a natural moment and I love it. We were not tense or stressed. We were relaxed, comfortable and even slightly excited. The night before the transfer we were lying in bed talking and expressed how there was no fear in either of us regarding the outcome of the test that will follow in 10 days. We know the outcome we desire but we know that God is with us regardless. Each answer will be a gift from God that can be used for His glory, it will lie in how we choose to walk forward with the answer. We also ended up in a fit of the giggles in bed that didn’t allow us to fall asleep till 2am! I consider that something special and rare as well!!!

We went out for coffee at Flying M Coffee Shop in Nampa, my favourite coffee shop, before we headed to Boise. The time was special and relaxed, very normal.

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A good chunk of our Idaho family turned up for the coffee date and I am so thankful (my Mom took the picture). We said our goodbyes, gave each other hugs and away we went.

We arrived at the clinic right on time, they took me back to take my valium. This was to help me and my uterus relax, it worked! About 20 minutes later they came out for me and said that Bryan, my Mom and Kelly could all come into the room for the transfer. It was incredible having each of them there for the moment of the actual transfer. We could see it on the ultrasound screen and watch the embryos move into the uterine lining by way of air bubbles marking them (which you can see in the scan). As you can imagine it was emotional, tears all around. Dr Slater and the staff were so encouraging though. They said our embryos were the strongest for the January cycle of all their patients! That is due to all the prayers for sure!

They implanted 2 embryos and at this stage they are two weeks matured so if they implant I would be three weeks along by the time the test is taken. So many things in this process are hard to wrap our heads around and this is one of them! Since the transfer I have been on bed rest and will be till Friday morning. I am recovering well from the procedure as it was not too invasive but I am a bit uncomfortable at times. I have so many people around me that are doing everything for me and feeding me very well which I am enjoying to the full!

Today we also made the decision for Bryan to extend his stay in Idaho till the test date on the 24th January. We are both so relieved and excited to know that we will find out the news together. It’s been a long road and it only seems right that we receive the call together. This fact alone brings a calm that is so sweet and reassuring, thank you Jesus!

Now the waiting begins. This is harder than the treatment at times because you can do nothing to change the outcome at this point. We will be doing our best to occupy our minds and time over the next ten days with whatever we can. I am sure it will consist of lots of walks, movies, books, magazines and the list could go on! Yet we feel strong inwardly and outwardly. We feel God’s presence at every turn of this journey. We are at peace.

We can’t fully express our gratitude to each of you for everything that you have done for us. Your prayers and support are what has gotten us through so keep praying!!

To finish this entry I want to end with a verse Kelly read the morning of the transfer that she said was for me:

Jesus said to her, “Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you’re healed and whole. Live well, lived blessed! Be healed of your plague.” Mark 5:34 The Message

This whole experience has been a risk of faith for Bryan and I again. We are hoping and believing for our healing and a wholeness, that only God can accomplish, be brought to this area of our lives. We believe we will live well and blessed as we already are but with a new fullness in our personal experience!

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Two procedures and 15 embryos later…

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It feels like the past few days have been pretty monumental. Bryan went in Thursday for his procedures and was a great sport through it all as you can see in the pic above. The doctors and nurses said Bryan was so much fun to have in, duh!! He ended up having 4 biopsies and they were able to get everything they needed (my husband is by far the toughest man I know and has endured more labour pains than any other man I have ever known!). Now he is 4 days into the recovery process and it is slow going. Thankfully he doesn’t have to fly till Friday. We are also so thankful that Bryan was put out for his procedure. Being under anaesthesia made it less  traumatic than the first time.

Friday morning my Mom and I drove to Boise and it was my turn to go under. Anaesthesia is definitely the way to go for this kind of treatment. I didn’t feel a thing and don’t remember any of it, praise God! They were able to retrieve 20 eggs, 17 of those eggs were mature and out of the 17 eggs 15 fertilized and became embryos!!! We are over the moon with this outcome! Not all of the embryos will be good enough quality to transfer so this gives us a much better chance of having some strong embryos to use.

A little memory to share in the midst of all of this is when I got the call regarding the embryos. Friday night we had a slumber party for my Mom’s 70th birthday party. We were out at my oldest brother’s house, Brent and Trudy, when the call came Saturday morning. After I took the call I walked out and announced to many of my female family members the good news. Everyone screamed, we cried, there were hugs! Such a special memory to have and one that I am thankful for. Being with our families during this whole process has been such an incredible gift from God that we could not have planned.

So what next? Monday the clinic will call and let us know how many of the embryos look good enough to use. We will then go in for the transfer on Wednesday. My friend Kelly also arrives on Monday afternoon. Kelly is coming to be here for the transfer and to support us, so special! From Wednesday to the 10 day test mark feels like the hardest part. They transfer Wednesday, then we take a blood test 10 days later and during that time you just wait. You wait to feel any little thing, any hint that it has worked. You wait to start your period in a sign that it hasn’t worked, you wait in hope for the future all the while replaying the past. The line is hard to walk. We want to believe for the best and hope for that yet sometimes our past experience creeps in and reminds us of the previous hurt. So for this next season please pray for us. Pray the following:

Pray for at least 1 embryo that is good enough to transfer

Pray my womb is a safe and welcoming place for this potential new life to thrive and grow

Pray for Bryan’s continued recovery

Pray that we keep our eyes on Jesus and keep His perspective in all of this

Thank you for following our journey, for praying and partnering with us. We appreciate it so so so much!!!!!

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Just a little extra pic so you have an idea of what the beginning of our family slumber parties look like!