Hey lovely blog followers and those of you who just happened upon my site! This is not a normal entry but one to let you know that I am days closer to having the release date of my book The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants: A raw glimpse into the painful journey of infertility. This book has been in the making for the guts of two years and I am so delighted to be this close! My proof draft has been ordered and should be in my hands by the 13th of February. This means that if I have no real changes to make to the book it should be available to all of you lovely people as soon as the 14th of February which would be incredible!
I decided it would be my birthday present to myself to get it done this month since I turn 38 on the 16th of February. Valentine’s Day holds an extra special place in our hearts too for it was the day that we found out both of our little, long awaited embryos had implanted! It was the day our hearts expanded twice over instantly.
My hope and prayer is that this Valentine’s Day can hold special meaning for others too. Not necessarily the same way it does for us (although that would be incredible!) but that maybe it can be a day when you feel supported in your journey. A day you feel loved by your spouse even though you feel you are failing miserably because your body just won’t do what you want it to do. I could go on but all of that to say, I am beyond thrilled that we are at this point friends. You and I are very close to getting to know each other a little better, well you me at least. I hope my open and raw story telling will help ease your pain or help you better understand someone else’s pain.
If you want more info you can find me on Facebook @Breannajochud or on Instagram @breannachud. Please feel free to share this book with anyone and everyone who needs it or may benefit from reading it!
It is raining here in Lake Stevens, unrelenting raindrops that will keep us indoors for the day. The boys have just gone down for their morning nap and I have a cup of hot chocolate to make my way through. To be honest though, my mind is miles away in Idaho and my heart is caving in from the weight of so many emotions. My Papa, my Father, the man whose hands have always cradled mine in his, whose eyes are filled with kindness, the man who walked me down the aisle and is loved by many, is having a PET Scan. He was recently diagnosed with Squamous Cell Carcinoma cancer. It appeared in a lump on his neck and grew quite quickly over a three week period. We will know more after today but my whole being wants to be there to support him and my Mom. To hug him tightly, to hold his rough, strong hands that I love so much. I want to be with my family as we all rally around him and my Mom during this time.
So tomorrow the boys and I will drop Bryan off at work and make the eight hour drive to Idaho. It’s a long drive but I am so thankful we are close enough to make that now. Many of you are praying and will continue to do so and I appreciate it!!! We are hoping, praying and believing along with many others for a positive outcome from the scan. Depending on the results he will possibly go in for surgery on Thursday so please keep thinking of and praying for him!
While this is happening, my head is spinning with other things. I have an interview for a job when I get back, I still haven’t properly finished my book, I miss Northern Ireland, I don’t feel like I have been kind to my boys the past few days, my back is sore making sleep not so great, and the list goes on. I am not looking for a pity party. I am aware and know how wonderful my life is. I have an incredible husband, two wonderful sons who are gracious, forgiving and always ready for fun. We have a roof over our heads during this period of transition from the UK. We are surrounded by wonderful people who are invested into our lives. Our families are closer than they have been for years. So no, I am not looking or asking for pity. This is me processing and being vulnerable when I feel my life is spiraling out of control and I can do nothing to stop it. This is me saying there are too many emotions, too many BIG things going on all at once. I am sure most of you know exactly what I am talking about. Sometimes life presents multiple paradigm shifts at the same time. And whilst you could possibly adjust to one or two, the other three or four are just too much. That’s where I am at. Feeling overwhelmed with the depth of this thing called life. The hardest and most shallow trials can hit at the same time creating the perfect storm of emotional turmoil. I am clinging to the quote that ‘this too shall pass’ for I know it to be true. So what will I do?
What I will do is this. I will be kind to myself. I will allow myself to cry as much as I need to. I will not beat myself up if I shout at my boys when they misbehave. I will breathe. I will sit still when I can. I will open my heart to my heavenly Father and ask for His grace to fill in the gaps and fill my heart. I will sit some more. I will hold my boys, hug them, kiss them. I will cry on Bryan’s shoulder when he gets home from work. I will pack what is needed for our journey. I will take one step at a time. I will not rush. I will be.
I know the picture above is not the best quality, yet I love it. It captures the essence of my sweet, kind, gentle-giant loving Papa. My boys love him. When we stay with my Papa and Mom the boys love sitting on his lap, reading, chatting or watching cartoons with him (he’s a big kid at heart!). My boys are not alone in loving my Papa though, all the grandkids do and we are so very thankful as his children to have him and my Mom. My Papa has always been such a great earthly representation of my heavenly Father and I thank him for making that relationship easier than most. I am excited to get there tomorrow and throw my arms around him in an extravagant gesture of love!
I would ask you to please keep praying for him and our family though. I know it makes all the difference. For those of you who like me, find yourself in a similar season, what do you need to do today to be kind to yourself? If you can, do it. Ask for help, cry, read, walk, sleep. Do whatever it is that will ease your mind and soul. You have my permission and most likely the permission from all those around you too.
On the 1st September 2014, Bryan and I welcomed the arrival of our two beautiful sons. Kidran J Caleb Chud was born at 11:48am weighing 5lbs6oz and Cohen V Ryan Chud was born at 11:49am weighing 5lbs1oz. From the moment we heard Kidran and Cohen’s first cries our lives were forever changed. The boys are incredible! They are handsome, sweet, have reasonably chilled attitudes so far but with very distinctive personalities. We are in love! Hours are spent each day simply staring at their perfection and the blessing that they represent in our lives from God. We are caught in the web of not wanting them to grow up already yet longing to see how they change and develop in time. Each day is precious whether it be an easy day or a difficult one. We are living each moment as much as we can and enjoying the journey. Thankfully this has been made easier by the help of my giving and generous parents who are here for 6 weeks. We also had the privilege of our good friend Molly Olsen coming and helping us get onto pure breastfeeding for a whole week! The help doesn’t end there as Bryan’s mum Lynda arrives the beginning of October to stay for 3 months. It has been such a huge adjustment having our two wee bundles at home but we are loving it. We have been inundated with such extreme generosity from our family, church family and friends both here and in America and feel incredibly fortunate that so many people are celebrating the birth of our boys with us! Thank you to each person who has blessed us!!!!
There is so much I could say but my brain won’t really allow me too and there’s not a lot of time as the boys feed every 3 hours at the moment. (Totally worth the sleep deprivation as Kidran now weighs 6lbs1oz and Cohen weighs 5lbs15oz!) As you can imagine there have been so many moments that have wrecked both Bryan and I when we contemplate the road we have travelled to arrive where we are. God’s faithfulness displayed in such splendor is almost too much at times to take in! Yet one of my favourite moments that comes to mind is the day we brought our boys home from the hospital. As we drove down the M1 back to Dungannon Bryan played an album by Kristine Mueller- Those Who Dream. (If you can, buy this album! You will not be sorry!) The album has special significance to us as it was played non-stop during our first two failed attempts at IVF. A few years on we lost the album when our computer crashed. This Christmas Bryan was able to get it again and as we moved forward with another round of treatment the songs took on greater meaning. One of the lyrics talks about God making us into mountains that cannot be moved or shaken. Throughout our journey to start our family we have felt God so close and had many ‘thin place’ experiences. We do not believe He orchestrated our struggle to have a family but we do believe He walked through it with us. He used the experience to make us into mountains. Mountains that display the grandeur of God’s faithfulness and His attention to every detail of our lives. Through the process we have become stronger, our faith more solid than ever before. Things that used to shake us or tried to move us have less of a hold. That does not mean what lies ahead will be easy or we will be unshaken. Still we have the promise of God always being with us and this settles my heart and mind. Another lyric states this fact: ‘Over and over, you prove yourself faithful’. As we drove home with our physical representations of God’s promises fulfilled, we were both overwhelmed by God’s proof of being faithful. Our eyes filled with tears, our hearts beat that much fuller and we knew we had met with God, we had experienced one of the holiest moments of our lives.
So here are a few pictures of our beautiful boys! They are from the first week so already they have changed and grown so much but I wanted to capture them this way as much as we could! Enjoy!!!
Hello blog world! It has been nearly two months since I last updated the blog, embarrassing – yes, reasons to follow – yes. Once we arrived back in Northern Ireland we started working and life ticked on, fairly uneventful. We were reconnecting with old friends and some new ones. We were thankful for our jobs and God’s provision. At the end of March we celebrated Vineyard Church Dungannon’s 10 year anniversary which was extremely special and a bit emotional for me. In the years since we have been living here, a good chunk of that time has been spent pursuing the start of our family. Sitting, chatting with friends all while being pregnant that evening felt very much like the fulfillment of so many promises over the 10 years that we felt God had given us. We are so thankful that God called us here and included us in the mission, work and life blood of our church. It truly is the most incredible church we have been a part of and we have seen some good ones over the years. Yet the way our church lives out the Word of God, embodies Jesus and shares Him with this town has always been the hook that kept us here. We couldn’t ask or imagine a better church family to be a part of.
The pregnancy was going well, we were enjoying each day as it came and just living life. We then had our first scan here on the 7th of April which is the scan pic above (the bump pic of me in pink is also from around that same time, maybe a little later). The babies were growing well, all looked good and we even found out that it’s very likely we are having at least one boy!!! (Insert little squeal of delight here!!) Wow! That was such a surprise to be able to find out so early and also a huge blessing for both of us to share in that moment together as Bryan won’t be able to attend the Big Scan (he will be taking a ski instructing course in Austria).
From the 7th April to the 11th life was just life, nothing too eventful just enjoying each day. Then the evening of 11th April I came down with a tummy bug. Being pregnant has it’s own set of rules and one of those rules is that when you are pregnant any kind of sickness is at least 10 times worse (at least that was my experience for this bug). I don’t remember the last time I had been so ill and wretched so violently. I broke blood vessels around my eyes, on my forehead and neck due to the force in which I was being sick with. I will spare you the gorry details but let’s just say it wasn’t only the top of my body that suffered. So from Friday night to about Sunday the bug had knocked me flat on my back. Sunday evening I took extreme abdominal pain and thought death might be a better option (okay, slightly exaggerated but in the moment didn’t seem like a bad option). A few hours later the abdominal pain subsided, wasn’t just as intense but then localized to my lower right abdomen area. From Sunday night to Tuesday night I did little else other than lay on our couch in pain and watched TV. The effort and pain it caused to get up and move around was very unpleasant and things like going to the toilet or taking a bath were so hard. Tuesday night we realized maybe the soreness I was feeling was more than just muscle soreness from being so sick. Bryan gently tossed a blanket to me and it landed on my right abdomen where I was experiencing the most severe pain and I immediately burst into tears. At that point we both thought maybe this was worth going and checking out. We attended doctors on call at 11:40pm and they then sent me to the Craigavon Hospital and around 3am I was admitted.
By 5pm that same day the doctors and surgeons had decided that I needed to have surgery to remove my appendix. (Above is also a pic of my bump with the staples in after the surgery). At 7pm I was taken into surgery where they took two hours removing my appendix and cleaning up the areas in which it had spread, scraping around organs and the womb. Waking up from the anesthesia I saw Bryan and I was so relieved to see his face!!! The whole day leading up to the surgery I was drugged up and resting thankfully. So seeing his face at the end of the day was just wonderful! I wanted to hold his hand and know that he was there. By about 11pm that same night I was taken to the surgical ward and said goodnight to Bryan as well as Pete, Julie and Soph McCammon who had come up with Bryan for support. (Thank you McCammon’s!!!)
Thursday was a tough day as I was so sore and moving was difficult. (I was even beaten to the toilet by a little old man around 90. This made Bryan laugh so hard!) Thankfully Bryan came up Thursday and spent the whole day with me. Hospitals are pretty boring places when you are there for a few days so having Bryan and his energy around was just lovely! He also waited till midnight with me to have the scan of the babies post op but missed it as she didn’t come till nearly 1am! He would make me smile (not laugh as that was too painful) and made the day a whole lot brighter. I thankfully had visitors Thursday evening, Friday morning and then Friday afternoon before I was discharged. Having people come to see you when you can’t go anywhere is so important so if you have a friend or family member sick, in hospital or stuck at home or in a care facility, go visit them!
We were also fortunate during my stay at the hospital to have 4 additional scans to make sure the babies were okay which they were. They seemed totally un-phased by the whole ordeal which was nice to see. It’s never ideal to operate on a pregnant woman so the relief we both felt when we knew they were okay was quite great as you can imagine. These babies must be tough!
I got home Friday evening and have spent the last two and half weeks recovering. Thankfully the first week and a half home Bryan was here so he was looking after me between work and trying to get ready to go to Austria. Having a helpful and supportive spouse is one of God’s greatest gifts to me! Thank you Bryan for being amazing, for loving and caring for me and for always making my life better! You have been the biggest blessing in my life and I love you so much!!! (You also make a great shower assistant!)
Once Bryan left I had so many visitors call over, I have had friends come and stay the night with me and people from church are bringing me dinner each night because I can’t make my own food yet. Even though I am fit and healthy and the pregnancy was going well, this recovery is still a slow process. You aren’t allowed to lift anything heavy, I can’t go back to work for another few weeks at least and I still can’t drive. Having a church family and friends rally around us during this time is the only thing that is getting us through.
Now my job is to rest, recover and take good care of these babies. I am eating normally again so as you can see in the above pictures with me in the gray tank top, I am beginning to show a proper baby bump. I haven’t felt any movement yet but I am just 18 weeks. Our Big Scan is scheduled for the 21st May but I have a scan before then so hopefully we will find out on the 21st if not before what the sex of the other baby is. I can’t really begin to put into words how I have been feeling as so much has happened in a short space of time. I have been emotional at times, I have been exhausted, I have been so sore, I have been incredibly happy and incredibly sad. I guess that is pregnancy! Overall though, I am thankful. Thankful to be healthy, recovering and have our babies be healthy and safe. I am thankful I have a husband who loves me so well. I am thankful that this happened here in Northern Ireland as opposed to America. I am thankful for each person who has blessed me with either their food, flowers or visit while I am stuck at home. Of course this was not part of anyone’s plan and not ideal but at the end of each day I am thankful. Thank You Abba for protecting our beautiful little babies and me and for meeting us in the place of our deepest needs during this time. Thank You!
Once again though I ask you to cover us in prayer. Bryan will be away 33 more days and as much as seeing his dream come true of becoming a ski instructor is amazing, it is also difficult for him to be away from me and the babies right now. His desire to care for us is so strong and this hasn’t been easy. Pray as well for his body to hold up under the intensity of the course both physically and mentally as this course is one of the top courses and therefore extremely hard. Pray that my body makes a full recovery from the surgery and has no complications due to the surgery later on. Continue praying for these little lives I carry that they will grow and develop well and that they will be healthy and strong throughout the duration of the pregnancy. We so value and feel each prayer that is prayed so please keep them coming! Thank you! (Apologies for the length of this entry, shorter entries will be in the future!)
As you all know, our world has drastically changed since last Friday. A few days on I am still reeling from the news and shock that after our long wait, (sometimes feeling like eternity) we are pregnant. I am carrying a precious life inside of me. I will be a mother and Bryan will be a father. Our family is expanding and I don’t think either of us could be more delighted! We have watched from the outside looking in at so many of our friends over the years to have sufficiently dissipated all illusions that this next phase of life will be easy, blissful or perfect. What we do hope for is to have our hearts and minds expand as we love another human being more than we thought possible. To grow in grace for ourselves, each other and this little person/s who will demand everything from us and give us very little in return for quite sometime. To cradle our newborn and stare in awe at him/her and wonder what we ever did with our time before. There are so many hopes and dreams attached to having a family and many of them I haven’t even begun to realize. So I am praying a lot. Praying that God dreams over me as I dream over our baby. That our baby encounters Him at a young age and falls in love with Jesus the way her/his parents have. So many hopes.
Some of you may like to know how we told our families so I will give you the brief version. Once we took the phone call, heard the news, fell apart and started shaking, we made our first call to MamaChud who anxiously awaited in Alaska. It was a special moment seeing her face and knowing her heart! Then we went to the ever cool Starbucks located in the Nampa Target store and borrowed their wifi. Bryan called his brother Aaron while I called Carla, Aaron’s wife. We told them at the same time. Then repeat the cycle with Bryan’s brother Nate and his wife Marisa. These 4 conversations were so much fun, there were tears shed, questions asked and overall joy at the faithfulness of God and the ways in which only He can move our mountains.
Then came the difficult task of lying to my parents as we waited for a family dinner that night. We wanted to tell them all together so we lied, saying the clinic called and said it would be later…and later. Once we were at the restaurant (Dad, Mom, Brad, Lainie, Kyle and Cali as Chase was gone) and everyone had ordered Bryan gave me the wink ‘Are you going to show them the bruises on your stomach from the injections?’ I obliged, stood and lifted up my shirt to reveal what Bryan had written on my belly: ‘Coming Oct 4th Baby Chud!!!’ It was hilarious watching the confusion in some of their faces and then seeing the lights go on and the celebrations began! My mother started shouting ‘Thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus!’ over and over again and everyone was squealing with delight! The wait was over, the answer was here and God had granted us our request! Amazing! Still feeling the moments of that first day. My niece Cali sent a picture of my stomach to my brother Brent and his wife as they joined us later. They were so excited that they stopped and picked up the sweetest pair of Nike trainers for one of our first baby gifts. You can see them in the picture above as well as the adorable fur booties that Lynda gave us (they used to be Bryan’s and she saved them) and the pacifier that my mom couldn’t help but buy at breakfast one morning. It’s all so memorable and we are soaking it all in!!
We also made a few calls to friends in the states, Canada and then Northern Ireland! There was rejoicing all over the place and it was lovely to be the ones making the announcement this time! (Sorry to keep so many NI folks awake that night!!)
So now what? Well I go back in for another blood test to check my Beta levels on the 3rd Feb and then I have our first ultrasound on Valentine’s Day, how great is that? Happy Valentine’s Day to us!! At this ultrasound we will find out if we are having one or two (or as my nephew seems to think four) and we will be absolutely, 100% delighted with any number as long as the baby is healthy, strong and growing! Of course the additional bills are still rolling in and we continue to trust God for His miraculous provision this way. They told us from the beginning that there would be unforeseen costs as we went through the process and they were not lying. Yet right now it seems silly to do anything else but trust God as we have watched His hand at work through this whole process and even the timing of being stateside for it all to begin. If you still feel the desire to help us then don’t hesitate to contact us, we still need prayers and financial miracles and as always we are honest about that. We know that none of this could have happened without the prayers and financial support of each of you so once again we thank you from the depths of my belly where this child is making it’s home:) I am praying for a bit of each of your DNA to be transferred into this baby as in so many ways it is your child too.
Healthy development of the baby
Direction as we embark on our biggest adventure yet!
I was reading in Psalm 33:18-22 and 34:4-5 today, it says this:
Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, On those who hope for His lovingkindness,
To deliver their soul from death and to keep them alive in famine.
Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.
For our heart rejoices in Him, Because we trust in His holy name.
Let Your lovingkindness, O Lord, be upon us, according as we have hoped in You.
I sought the Lord, and He answered me, And delivered me from all my fears.
They looked to Him and were radiant, And their faces will never be ashamed.
I pray these verses encourage you as they have me. We had hoped for the lovingkindness of our God and have experienced it all these years of waiting. He is what kept us alive in this personal and emotional famine, He was our manna. Our souls waited on the Lord over the years and He was our shield, protecting us. He has been and always will be our one, true hope. Through this all our prayer has been to glorify God and to walk this path in faithfulness to God. The road was rocky but because we continued to look to Him, He made us radiant, and we will never be ashamed of our belief in Him, regardless of our circumstances. Yet we are so very thankful that He moved heaven and earth on our behalf this time. Thank you Abba.
There is so much that we could say but I feel the picture says it all. The world will be welcoming baby Chud somewhere around the 4th October 2014!!!!!!!!! We found out today, the 24th January at 11:45am that our treatment was successful and that we will become parents this year!!!! Thank you so much to our family and friends who have prayed for, supported in every way/shape/form and carried us during this journey over the last 8 years. This is as much your breakthrough as it is ours!
Abba, thank you for remembering us and being faithful to keep your promise. Amen and Amen!!!!
Yesterday. How do I begin to describe the unfolding of yesterday? The best place to start is with the picture above. My best friend Kelly who came to be with us for the transfer captured this candid photo. This photo shows Bryan and I in a natural moment and I love it. We were not tense or stressed. We were relaxed, comfortable and even slightly excited. The night before the transfer we were lying in bed talking and expressed how there was no fear in either of us regarding the outcome of the test that will follow in 10 days. We know the outcome we desire but we know that God is with us regardless. Each answer will be a gift from God that can be used for His glory, it will lie in how we choose to walk forward with the answer. We also ended up in a fit of the giggles in bed that didn’t allow us to fall asleep till 2am! I consider that something special and rare as well!!!
We went out for coffee at Flying M Coffee Shop in Nampa, my favourite coffee shop, before we headed to Boise. The time was special and relaxed, very normal.
A good chunk of our Idaho family turned up for the coffee date and I am so thankful (my Mom took the picture). We said our goodbyes, gave each other hugs and away we went.
We arrived at the clinic right on time, they took me back to take my valium. This was to help me and my uterus relax, it worked! About 20 minutes later they came out for me and said that Bryan, my Mom and Kelly could all come into the room for the transfer. It was incredible having each of them there for the moment of the actual transfer. We could see it on the ultrasound screen and watch the embryos move into the uterine lining by way of air bubbles marking them (which you can see in the scan). As you can imagine it was emotional, tears all around. Dr Slater and the staff were so encouraging though. They said our embryos were the strongest for the January cycle of all their patients! That is due to all the prayers for sure!
They implanted 2 embryos and at this stage they are two weeks matured so if they implant I would be three weeks along by the time the test is taken. So many things in this process are hard to wrap our heads around and this is one of them! Since the transfer I have been on bed rest and will be till Friday morning. I am recovering well from the procedure as it was not too invasive but I am a bit uncomfortable at times. I have so many people around me that are doing everything for me and feeding me very well which I am enjoying to the full!
Today we also made the decision for Bryan to extend his stay in Idaho till the test date on the 24th January. We are both so relieved and excited to know that we will find out the news together. It’s been a long road and it only seems right that we receive the call together. This fact alone brings a calm that is so sweet and reassuring, thank you Jesus!
Now the waiting begins. This is harder than the treatment at times because you can do nothing to change the outcome at this point. We will be doing our best to occupy our minds and time over the next ten days with whatever we can. I am sure it will consist of lots of walks, movies, books, magazines and the list could go on! Yet we feel strong inwardly and outwardly. We feel God’s presence at every turn of this journey. We are at peace.
We can’t fully express our gratitude to each of you for everything that you have done for us. Your prayers and support are what has gotten us through so keep praying!!
To finish this entry I want to end with a verse Kelly read the morning of the transfer that she said was for me:
Jesus said to her, “Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you’re healed and whole. Live well, lived blessed! Be healed of your plague.” Mark 5:34 The Message
This whole experience has been a risk of faith for Bryan and I again. We are hoping and believing for our healing and a wholeness, that only God can accomplish, be brought to this area of our lives. We believe we will live well and blessed as we already are but with a new fullness in our personal experience!